Comment - Columnists - Jeremy Clarkson

Just one word and my T-shirt offends the whole of Japan

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 15:09:32 GMT

There comes a point in a man’s life when he is no longer able to wear a T-shirt. You have only to see an overweight American tourist wobbling around looking like Winnie-the-Pooh to know that I’m right; to know that T-shirts are fine for schoolboys on sports day. But not fine thereafter.

After three brushes with death in planes I want a parachute

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Can you imagine what it must have been like on board that Air France aeroplane that crashed into the Atlantic Ocean last month? Rather dreadfully, I can.

Why do the police need a spy drone for hippies?

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 00:00:00 GMT

I have only ever given my children one piece of advice. Other parents I know talk solemnly about drugs, sex, pregnancy, work, manners and the importance of good A-level grades. But all I’ve ever told my kids is this: “No matter what, never salute a magpie.”

Jeremy Clarkson: No, I won ’t wear a tiara, if it’ s all the same to you

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 15:21:31 GMT

Back in the 1980s, I seemed to spend half my life traipsing to Covent Garden to hire a dinner jacket and the other half mournfully explaining to the man on the returns desk that it was covered in sick when I rented it.

Now there’s a first – my elephant has just exploded

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Recently, a friend bet me that I would never begin a newspaper column by suggesting that the musical score of Ondine, a little-known ballet, is virtually identical to side one of Works: Volume One, the Emerson, Lake and Palmer double album from 1977.

Save the photos - not that they're worth it

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 18:54:32 GMT

One of the things I’d most like to do is force the people on Desert Island Discs each week to actually live on a desert island with nothing but the music they select. Then we’d be able to see how wacky and interesting they feel after 20 years of Two Little Boys by Rolf Harris and the Love Song from Sanders of the River.

Letting beavers loose in Scotland is dam foolery

Sun, 31 May 2009 00:00:00 GMT

As we know, the economy is stagnant, we are up to our shoulders in debt and things are likely to get worse. So imagine my surprise to find the government has decided to spend £275,000 on 11 Norwegian beavers that will be freed to roam wild in Scotland.

I’ll be right there, Sir Ranulph – must conquer the sofa first

Sun, 24 May 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Sir Ranulph Fiennes explained last week that he reached the summit of Everest by imagining it wasn’t there. He said he was prepared simply to “plod for ever”, never once allowing himself the luxury of thinking about where he was going, what he was doing or whether he was halfway to halfway yet.

Okay, you’ve got me bang to rights – I’m a secret green

Sun, 17 May 2009 00:00:13 GMT

Last week, in this newspaper, I was outed as a recycler, a man who composts his tea bags, eats wasps and spends most of his days tutting in supermarkets at the Day-Glo orangeness of the carrots. Or, to put it another way, a damned hypocrite.